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【雅思写作】剑桥11低分段小作文范文解析及高分范文赏析

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自官方发布剑桥11以来,不少同学都已经发现,这一本真题给出的写作范文,不再是满分官方范文,而是各种不同分数段的8篇范文。所以,小编想在此提醒各位考生,大家在复习雅思的时候一定要多加分析低分的原因,这样才能有方向地提高自己的写作能力。

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剑11中评分标准仍然是四个方面,但是我们可以再直白一些地界定这些标准的内涵并在实际写作中衡量自己的文章水平:

1. Task Achievement——overview+key features图表信息概述+主要特征(小作文题目要求中明确指出:Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.)

2. Coherence and cohesion——organization组织性:分段和分句,尤其是要注意句与句之间的逻辑关系和衔接手段,这直接决定着语法上的句式多样性和复杂性

3. vocabulary——词汇:词汇的准确性对于图表类作文来说难度并不大,多样性才是值得关注的点

4. grammar——语法:语法的准确性不仅限于一个句子之内,包括标点符号的正确与否,也会直接影响的表达效果。

以下是一篇Band 4.5的学生习作,及其修改过程,我们借以深刻理解并学会根据以上的评分标准来约束并提高自己的写作实力。

题目:2015年06月13日(题目本身信息难度不大)

The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.

剑11写作启示录

The charts include the information which represent the Australian water consumption and residential use in 2004.

The residential cost +of water is divided into two parts,》: one is +for house and another one》the other is +for apartment. The house one》The former accounted for the most part which is》was 57 percent. As for the apartment, one》itis much less than +the water use inside the house, which is only 13 percent. There are also several other fields, including industry, business, government and others. but compare with the residential use , their total cost is only a small section. others take 3 percent which is the smallest one. government is the second smallest which only occupied 6 percent. the business and industry are respectively 10 percent and 11 percent.

》》将以上句子进行合并:

Compared with the residential water usage, several other fields consumed only a small section of water, including industry, business, government and others, the amount of which are 11[[[%]]], 10[[[%]]], 6[[[%]]] and 3[[[%]]] respectively.(提高句子表达效率和效果)

讲解:通过本段可以看出,该生信息描述不够准确,语言比较重复,而且标点符号错误率很高。

In addition, there are five parts will have》need water consumption inside a home,》. They are bathroom, toilet, washing clothes, kitchen and garden.>, each accounting for 28[[[%]]] 15[[[%]]] 20[[[%]]] 10[[[%]]] and 27[[[%]]] separately.

讲解:标点问题直接引发语法问题,而且对于动词时态的把握也有失偏颇。

全文缺少overview,所以导致字数严重不足。

来看老师给出的参考例文:

The charts show the information about the water consumption and water residential use in Australia in 2004.——改写

The pie chart compares the amount of water consumed in some different areas in the year 2004 in Australia. The table shows how much water was consumed in Australian families.

It is clear that most of water was used in the domestic sector, while outdoor water use accounted for a big part.——overview

We can see from the pie chart that water exerted a big role in the local family since 70[[[%]]] of water was consumed indoors, with 57[[[%]]] in residential houses and 13[[[%]]] of it used in residential apartments, while然而 governments and businesses needed lots of water, at around 10[[[%]]] respectively.——饼图

Although outdoor water use, such as gardening, made up approximately 30[[[%]]] of household use, the rest of themwas》were used in the room. 28[[[%]]] of water was used for shower, followed by washing clothes (20[[[%]]]). Toilet and kitchen seemed to consume the least water in the bar chart.——柱图

166 words

对于题目主干信息的表达多样性,是非常值得我们借鉴和学习的:

(1)家庭:

house——household

domestic sector

local family

(2)用水:

water consumption

water was consumed

water use

needed lots of water

water was used for shower

consume the least water

ps:虽然貌似词汇有限,但是多样性表达还是真真切切地做到了。此外,“使用”还可以表达为“utilise”或“utilisation”

该例文可以达到8 分水平:

(1)文章内容健全。

(2)组织合理:段落分布清晰,句子连接紧密而且逻辑自然通顺;

(3)单词充足且基本准确,但是局部单词使用不够精准,比如第二个图不能同table来表示,用bar或者column更加准确;

(4)语法方面,the rest of them was显然主谓不一致,应该改成were,但是这些问题并不影响理解。

(考试状态下如果能发挥到这种程度,小作文也就没有遗憾了。)

后续老师会针对剑11所给出的范文及考官评语,发布相应的解析,希望关注各位烤鸭,继续跟踪该系列文章,早日拿到理想成绩。

以上内容来自网络,如有任何问题,请联系小编删除。


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